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Getting nowhere…

to me: NOVEMBER 25, 2017

So, I have made no headway since my last email.  I haven’t made any progress in years.  I just get up, go to work, do whatever I need to after work, sleep and repeat.  It is a drain.  A fucking drain.  The only time I am really happy is when I have my family together which is now rare for the past 2.5 years or when I am dancing or with some awesome friends or new company or having some traveling adventure.  But I don’t have awesome friends here so that cancels that opportunity.  I only travel two times a year so my happiness has to wait. It is not that I don’t try to be happy, because I do.  It’s just that I am not.  I really don’t like 90% of the people here that I have social contact with or could have with.  I hate the expat mentality.  They fucking suck for the most part.  I never minded working with women until I moved here.  They are bitches for the most part.  And I have worked almost exclusively with women since I was 18.  I always enjoyed working with them and never understood others when they complained about women. Honestly, I never had those experiences.  But then I moved here.  The expat women suck as well as the men.  There are always exceptions, but for the most part, they are injured people.  Always on the fucking run, never showing who they are.  I had one “friend” comment that she was surprised, truly surprised at my loyalty towards others. I was actually shocked by her comment.  I have always been loyal.  Until you fuck me, I got your back 100%.  I would definitely want a friend like myself and thankfully I have some.  But her comment stuck with me… most people just half ass friendship and use people for their convenience.  What a fucking shame.  They never get the real perks of friendship, true friendship.  But that’s the mentality here.  Use people to avoid your own loneliness, your boredom, your whatever. I have no sympathy. I don’t have time. You are grown; fix your shit. 

Most of my problem stems around money.  Most people can relate.  I have to provide and I refuse to live poorer than I am.  The stress is overwhelming.  It never goes away… not even for a minute.  Ok, sometimes it temporarily goes away for a few minutes or hours or even a few days when I am lucky.  This past summer I went to Spain to “think” about things, my life, the problems, etc.  I planned to walk the streets of whatever city I was in and just think.  Well, I didn’t do any thinking whatsoever. Not a fucking minute. It was great!  But I came home with the same problems to deal with.  I had a phenomenal time.  I met new and exciting and fun, adventurous people.  I traveled with two young guys ages 18 and 22 for a week.  It was honestly the most fun I have had in decades. I laughed for one week straight with them, all day and all night.  It was more than magical.  It was perfect. Then I returned to the hot ass desert, I mean hot.  And just fell back into my daily depression.  I don’t know, maybe I am writing out of depression.  Maybe it caused by my lack of direction and being completely fucking alone. I don’t know.  Remember, I don’t know any fucking thing.  

So what if ADHD does direct my life?  Does that mean I can’t be happy?  I don’t really care if I have it or not.  It is all I know.  But lately, I have so much pent up energy, that I wonder if it is harmful?  I am literally dying of fucking boredom. I don’t want to have coffee with anyone other than a real, true friend and I don’t have any here.  I would rather stare at the fucking wall then have my energy drained by just anyone.  I went out for a drink the other night with a guy.  I was so fucking bored.  I just wanted to go home.  My ADHD definitely makes small talk difficult.  And I hate feeling trapped.  Trapped to me means sitting with someone, without proper diversions, and having to stay engaged in conversation.  It is actually a form of torture for me.  I either click instantly with people and feel energized or the complete opposite. I can’t stand the latter.  It makes me feel like I am slowly and painfully dying.  I am not being dramatic.  It is my reality.  It is getting worse all the time.  I am so bored and angry… bad combination.  I am just utterly bored with life, people, everything.  But then I have a glimmer of hope when I remember my two little buddies and Spain.  I am old enough to be their mother, but we all communicated like equal human beings.  There was no rank or file.  It was just a harmonious union of three souls.  I thank God for that experience, the most unexpected experience. Everywhere we went, people stared in wonderment.  How do they know each other? What is their connection?  We were instantly aware of this and their curiosity only fueled our strange, unique, beautiful bond.  When someone asked how we knew each other, the one guy said, “through love and life.” Isn’t that beautiful?   And it is true. Three open minds met each other though all three of us had originally begun our travels alone.  But the universe had something up her sleeve and we were the lucky recipients. 

I get up early on the weekends and just search for new jobs.  God, I hate the thought of starting all over again and making probably a less than lateral move.  I find nothing.  I spend hours researching, chasing links, etc.  I want to get out of here because I have done what I needed to, but I have no direction. Just surviving is what I do. Maybe it is what most people do. I don’t know. No one ever says anything.  

Social media is fucking me up.  I thank God that it was not around when I was younger.  If it is affecting me now at 53, just imagine what the damage would be if I started earlier.  I like Facebook because it allows me to stay in contact with those that live far away. But I am sick of seeing everyone’s highlights. Maybe I do the same, well, I guess I do.  Can’t show all of your deep fucked up thoughts on Facebook now, can we? Fuck these smart phones and their fucking filters. I have no idea how anyone looks.  America has gotten out of control with the brainwashing.  I can’t even touch that topic.  We are all victims.  I cant’ help but compare my life, my looks, my everything with all that I see whether it be Facebook, Instagram or whatever.  Fuck! Is this what we have been reduced to? 

So where am I to go? What is my direction? Will there be a day, a moment when I get an epiphany? The days just roll into the next without any highlights, unless stress is a highlight.  They go from bad to worse. I just don’t have good days.  I can’t remember when I did.  Other than Spain but I already mentioned that.  The weekends are hell for me.  I don’t have anything to do, no one to do it with and usually just do things around the house, so that constitutes fucking work.  For the first few years, there were new experiences.  But those are not as available anymore.  Things are different here.  Things are not the same as before. Things used to be fun. There were things to do. But six years has changed the lifestyle and mentality.  Economics are getting worse and everyone is feeling it.  Well, most are. I hate living near Dubai. It is like living near Hollywood.  Close enough to feel like you are missing out.  But the reality is, I don’t have the money to partake anymore than I would in Hollywood. I hate advertising and media. They make you feel inferior and that your life is just so boring.  It’s a masterful mind trap to fuck you up.  I am trying so hard not to buy into it.  I keep telling myself that that is not my life, that is not my reality, etc.  But somehow, I still feel like I am missing out.  I am actually jealous of people for the first real time in my life.  I want what they have and don’t even know why they deserve to have it and not me.  I wonder why I keep myself in decent shape and the whole botox shit when people I know who do not keep themselves fit end up better off than I. Obviously, I have shit fucked up. That’s all I can say.  I am missing something.  I am not connecting the dots properly. And I think being older makes everything worse.  You know you are in your best days compared to what the future will bring.  It’s not like you are 30 knowing you have a life time.  I have 28.1 years if I live to my life expectancy based on the insurance scammers.  They should know.  How many years should I subtract for smoking and drinking?  How many should I add for a pretty healthy diet and working out?  Ha ha ha. 

This ramble bores me.  I am bored by my own writing.  It is just fucking babble.  That’s all my mind has to offer… babble.  Just like a crazy fuck on the street… just babbling.  But sometimes I am jealous that they don’t seem depressed… just crazy.  I remember a homeless man in NYC when I was younger.  He asked me if I had a screwdriver. “A what?” I said.  “A screwdriver” he replied.  “Why?” I asked.  Then he said, “All I need is a screwdriver to get to Chicago.” Fuck, I had no idea what he was talking about. He was in his own world.  Like I am.  I don’t know if he was happy or depressed or knew the difference. I do know the difference and it is not pretty.  I wish all I needed was a screwdriver to get somewhere.  Maybe he had to repair his time machine. I will never know…

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