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Nothing to say…

to me: March 16, 2019

Sooooo, in mid January I sat down at the computer just to write that I had nothing new to say.  That I had not received any epiphany or sign about the direction in my life.  I thought that I should quickly read over what I had written to remind myself of the babble that I wrote. Just kinda to keep the “flow” of the writing, if there’s any at all.  Well, I re-read the past emails written to myself and was so fucking drained and exhausted by merely reading them, that I was unable to write that I had nothing to write about.  But then something really odd struck me like a 2×4 over the head.  I thought it had been a few months since I last wrote and that’s why I was just going to “check in” and say that I had nothing new to add.  SHIT, I checked the dates again in total disbelief.  It hadn’t been a few months; it had been over a year!!! So I totally lost track of time, of everything.  Fourteen months later and I think it’s only been a couple of months.  I sat and tried to think where the year had gone.  God, it’s scary to think that I am so disconnected that I have literally lost track of time. 

So now it’s about 16 months since my last email.  I have some things to say.  I will move back to the States this summer.  I have no job, no home, no car and basically no furniture.  I don’t even have a bed.  I have some clothes stored away and hope they are not ruined by the years in storage or I will have very little clothing because I will move from a desert climate to a cold, snowy one.  I have some kitchen things, basic things.  That’s it. Not exaggerating for dramatic purposes.  In one way, I feel let down, ashamed that I have nothing at my age and having worked my ass off since I was 19 years old.  In another way, I feel free.  Or at least I talk myself into that feeling.  I will have to create a home from scratch, again…

I try to be positive.  I try to look at things differently and gain new perspectives.  Sometimes I actually feel excited and joyful at the prospect. Other times, I literally have a panic attack.  I watch a video or two each morning before work trying to inspire myself and think about things in a different way. I try to gain new insight and learn from others.  Sometimes I catch a sentence or two that strikes me, other times I am fast forwarding because it’s boring or seemingly inapplicable to me.

I will move to Buffalo, NY.  I have never been there.  I have never even had a desire since I heard that it’s extremely cold and winters are very long.  My body doesn’t like the desert heat and scorching sun, but it certainly doesn’t yearn for shitty winters that seem to never end.  My son is attending university there and he and I will get an apartment together.  The support will be good for both of us. He needs it and so do I.  But I feel as though I will have to move again from there as his life moves forward and I will have to start all over again. And that does not appeal to me even .000025%. I am 55 years old now.  I keep thinking how I will live, support myself, etc. for the next 20-25 years.  When people say, “Oh, you’ll probably live to be 100 years old,” I just want to smack the living shit outta them right on the spot. It’s like they are giving me a death sentence to continue this journey indefinitely.  It’s fucking rude when they say that.  I hate it.  

I am researching things in my soon to be new home environment.  I have to learn my own customs again and fit into society.  It will take about 2 years to get back into things, at least that’s what I predict.  I will have culture shock coming from being in the Middle East, the Gulf specifically, for the past 8 years.  I am good at adjusting to my new environment.  I learn quickly.  I have moved my entire life since I was born as a military brat. It’s all I know really.  But I need to set roots somewhere and that’s what I was trying to do, but now I am moving to another place that wasn’t originally on the map in my mind. I will try and make the most of it and see where this path goes. I may love it.  I may not. I don’t know. I do know that I will give it my all and hope that good things happen.  

I will gain living with my son and having time together that I thought was long gone. But I will lose a daughter to spend time with because she will remain here and continue her university studies.  Always winning and losing at the same time.  Compromise.  It’s just the reality. I wish it were different.  I want to be close to both of my kids.  I don’t want to be far away and see them once or twice a year.  We are close and I want to see them regularly. Some parents are ok with seeing their kids whenever, like mine. But I am the opposite.  I love being around them.  They bring me joy.

What the fuck am I going to do for work??? That’s the biggest and most frightening question.  The only thing that I know for sure is that (and please do quote me on this one) “That I will never ever fucking teach in a school again!”

I will literally try to forget the past 28 years of my career.  I really hate it for the most part.  I cannot even talk about teaching and how fucked up the field is, mostly thanks to fucking politicians and business people talking about shit they know nothing about. I won’t even elaborate. It’s too unhealthy for me to think about.

I told my son that I need this new stage in my life to be an adventure. That’s the only way I will be able to deal with it.  From sleeping on the floor to making do with whatever we have will be part of the new adventure.  Come to think of it, I should name this adventure.  Kinda like they name “conflicts” in the military and not really calling them wars even though they are.  I will think about a name befitting of this adventure.  

I am not going buy shit that I don’t really need and love and I don’t want to settle for the cheapest thing I can afford.  I have done that my entire life and really don’t want to do it anymore. I will do without until I can get what will bring me happiness.  I am not going to get some shitty sofa that I really don’t love just because it’s all that I can afford. I will just do without one.  I don’t really care.  Others may judge me, but then again, I don’t see them pulling out their wallets, so…

I do have some money saved so I am not completely broke. However, I was saving that money for my retirement which I really need for myself and to not be a burden to my kids.  I will be frugal.  I usually am. But really need to be careful because it’s easy to blow through money in the States. It’s just an expensive place to live.  

This is where I am now.  Half way between excited and hopeful and scared and full of anxiety. What a lovely pit stop in life.  

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