| to me: NOVEMBER 18, 2017 |
This is what stresses me out the most: that I have to work and earn money in order to support myself and soon to be two kids in college. I am stuck in teaching and have been for my entire career. But I never had anyone to fall back on since I graduated college. It is overfuckingwhelming. It is always stressful. No family support, no “we got your back until you figure things out” place, no safety net of any kind. That has kept me in a state of survival for decades, damn, a lifetime. Especially as a woman, it is extra stressful and scary. I feel like a caged animal fighting for its survival. I hate education. It is such bullshit since I entered about 27 years ago. At least it is in the school environments in which I have worked and continue to work. I can’t even go into the problems with the education system. But those problems are probably why I hate teaching. And the fact that most students I teach don’t come properly prepared to learn. Forget it. It is just fucked up and I am in the middle of it. I cannot find a way out of teaching. It is a trap. No one wants to hire a former teacher because they don’t think they have any skills other than teaching. But our skill set is so vast and wide that I can’t even begin to list them all. So I am stereotyped and feel like a prisoner.
I need to move away from where I am. That’s stressful. I am middle aged with two children to support. What kind of chances do you think are wise when your two kids depend on your support? Who wants to start over with very little and for even less pay for some dream or even different job?
This crossroad is looking bleaker all the time. I know my mindset is making it worse. But I just don’t know what to do, to think or how to change it. I am so depressed especially on the weekends that I literally spontaneously cry. I fight back most of the tears because it seems that there is always someone around. Looks pretty stupid when you are in the gym and your eyes well up with tears. I hate living here because of the isolation. And teaching is an isolating career. All day in a room with kids. Not healthy when you think about it. And socially, living here, though there have been many great opportunities and good times; things have changed. Seems like it was easier to meet some people when I first moved here. The social climate has changed; things always change. Social apps for meeting people are what a lot of us rely on, but I hate meeting people that way. So many fucking liars, selfish fuckers, introverted people, etc. that you have to deal with. Using social media does not allow me to use my 6th sense, my gut feeling, my intuition. That’s a major problem. A woman needs to use her intuition to guide her. And I live 1.5 hours away from major places where some interaction would be easier though still limiting due to the social climate.
Being alone for thirteen years is enough. However, I would prefer to be alone than in a shitty marriage like I think many are in but will not leave. So that’s a rock and hard place. I wonder if I will ever marry again? I wonder if I will have better luck in another marriage or relationship? I have pretty much always had bad relationships. I think I am missing something that most women have but I don’t know what it is. I learned nothing from my childhood about how to find a suitable mate. I had a good example in my parents, but no guidance along the way. So I have been trying to figure it out without success. Men don’t want independent, strong personality women. It is a fucking lie. They will respect women like that, but they have no desire to be in a relationship with one unless they need something. I need a man who is stronger than I am but that’s like finding a needle in a haystack. I am not a bitch. I am kind, thoughtful, go out of my way kind of woman. Those qualities get taken advantage of. Most men are not that strong. I don’t know what happened in our society. They are ok and comfortable with women bringing home the fucking bacon and cooking it and then washing the pan. I am not speaking of all men. I know some awesome ones. But it does seem that a lot of men are just way too comfortable being lazy asses. And women, including myself are stupid enough to keep them comfortable. So I have no high hopes of marriage in the future though I would like to. Anyway, most middle- aged men have zero appeal to me. Maybe they say the same about middle- aged women. Why does it seem that so many stop taking care of themselves? It is just unattractive and sends out the message, I don’t care. Sadly, only cubs are available here and they have literally ruined my chances of finding someone in my age group attractive. Younger men are just so… so damn good looking! They are in their prime. They take time to keep fit and keep themselves groomed. And most middle -aged people seem like they have little to no energy. I think many are just worn out and depressed. Something in life has just drained them. Our society is fucked up and we value the wrong things. I find more happiness in Spain. I love it there. People of all ages are out and about.
I have gotten interrupted so many times writing this that I cannot remember anything that I wanted to address. I think I have to keep addressing the things that pop into my mind until I have either exhausted my brain or some clarity surfaces.
Crossroads 